A Crazy Little Thing Called Life

Okay, school's been going decent. I dropped that demonic math class I was taking because after two worse than failed tests, I knew there was no way to pass it. It's made me feel much better not taking that lame class. Next semester I'll take it and actually make use of the assistance that is offered between school and home. I will get a C in this class (if not better-- unlikely, but there's always a chance!)

In my visual literacy class, we've re-decorated a room for the TLC (teching and learning with children part of Cedar foster care) to make this one room seem more homey. It was very ugly before. As if these poor girls aren't already going through enough being young mothers with no family to turn to. Heard a rumor that they'd taken a glimpse mid-re-doing and were all very happy with it. I hope they like it lots. I think it's coming out very nice and it feels good to know that we've helped these people in that way.

My online class is going well. Got my final next week. Gotta do some major studying. I wish to use a similar method to the one I used for the last test because I actually got a B on it and was quite pleased with that. I guess writing the answers out helps them stick. Our teacher was kind enough to give us the written questions ahead of time so that we could come up with answers for them pre-test.

Another grand thing is that I recently had surgery (for like the first time ever). Don't remember if I mentioned my minor medical irregularity in the last post (I may not have for the sake of sparing you from possibly being grossed out or whatever), but the surgery went great. I really enjoyed the injection of the anisthetic. I've never fallen asleep that easily in my LIFE!!!

Oh! And my visual literacy teacher is gonna be buying us pizza and tea next Tuesday night if we wanna show up at the pizza place (I plan to, hopefully the snow is kind) as a sort of farewell sort of thing as the course will be over. I'm very jazzed about this.

As for the snow, it's been a bit cruddy. UNL was the only school in Lincoln (so far as I know) that was open yesterday and they closed at noon due to conditions. We had a blizzard last night and while the streets don't look too bad, my hubby saw three cars stuck in the snow just on his way out of our neighborhood, so I rang my supervisor to inform him that I may not be able to make it. He told me to stay home 'cause, as it happens, he was having problems just getting out of his driveway (and he's got an SUV).

Another thing to tell you of, my husband recently got a new job through Verizon, which we're all very excited about. He'll be checking cell reception in the area and all that. They gave him a company vehicle (an SUV, which is how HE managed to get to work). The building that he works out of now is in Omaha, so it's a bit of a drive, particularly when it's snowy, but he made it to work just fine today.

One downer has come into my life. Due to my husband's allergies, we're trying to go down to two kitties instead of three. It's tough to get rid of any of them. We've talked and we figure Selphie might be happier in a quieter environment. Haven't found anyone who's able to take her yet. I figure God will make sure she winds up in a good place, but I'm still worried about it. I refuse to give her to a shelter. The humane society in town has to sometimes put cats to sleep because they just have too many (why they don't give the over to the Cat House in town, I don't know) and as I'm not sure on the Cat House, I don't want her going there, either. If anyone who reads this would like a new kitty or knows someon that they think would make a good home for a new kitty, let me know. She's free. And, if the environment would better fit Piper (the newest and youngest of our kitties), then I'm sure we'd be able to give her instead. They're all so hard to part with.

Oh! There are more happy things. We'll be going to California to visit our families for Christmas, which I'm sooooooooo excited about!!!! Haven't seen my grandparents in a year and a half and haven't seen the rest of the family in just over a year. I can't wait.

Ooooohhh, and I got my hubby a Christmas present that I think he will be stoked about. Can't say what it is on the off chance that he actually goes to this site (though I'm almost 100% certain that he doesn't.... like.... 99.9999999999999%, but you never know).

Church has had some stuff happen, too. They're working on building a new campus right now. I think they're close to finished! The only downside to this is that one of our pastors (Pastor Dan) took a good fall a couple of week ago while helping with the building and broke both of his heels. His wife says he's doing well other than the pain that comes at times. Particularly on days when his feet aren't elevated (like doctor visits) for the entire day. I've been praying for him and his family and wanted to send the message out so that everyone else can say prayers for him, too.

I've also sort of started exercising, finally. My husband and I got a tredmill and an eliptical trainer a few months ago and have had them set up for a while now. We also got a big ol' Plasma T.V. to go with it (to encourage us to use the equipment) and we actually started using the exercise equipment last week. We also plan to train Mudd to walk on the tredmill so we don't have to take him out in the ice. I hate walking him when it's icy. I'm klutzy enough all by myself, I don't need Mudd's help to do the splits or fall on my bum.

Speaking of Mudd, my hubby found his first collar the other day and mistook it for Piper's collar (which vanished somehow a couple months back). I told him that was Mudd's, but that I'd like to try it out anyways. I can't believe his neck used to be that small. It fits Piper fine. She could pull it over her head if she really tried, but it would take a bit of work. It is a rather thick collar for her, but that's what she gets for continuously escaping/losing her own collar. Perhaps we can get her a new one for Christmas. The other two have bell collars. Piper should get a bell collar. Actually, perhaps I'll attach a bell to Mudd's old collar today. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

My kitties have been watching birds through my studio window (still in Tyler's old room and that's where I believe it will stay--yay!!!) all morning. There is so much snow outside! There are these dead tree-like small plants in the neighbor's back yard that are sticking out of the snow and tons of birds keep flying over there. At one point all three of them were sitting, watching, Keika of course was chattering. They don't seem to be as excited about it now, but they still go back to watch every now and again. They're so precious.

Oh! My mum got me the most beautiful pop-up book for my birthday. Now, I know you're probably thinking "she's 24, why would she want a stupid pop-up book", but it's illustrated by a very good artist and it's so gorgeous. Every picture has so much detail and beauty to it. And it's about faeries. Mum figured since I'm really into faeries and art, that I would love it. I was so overjoyed when I read through it. I've been thinking I might like to be an illustrator for a while now, too. Brian Froud's an illustrator/mythology expert. He does a lot of cool stuff on faeries. And when I went to look up the author/illustrator of the book my mum got me, I learned a lot of interesting things about her, plus they had bios for other artists on the page as well. I believe I saved the site to my favorites.

I also got a disc with some of the photos that were taken of my by Studio Jardine and they came out awesome. I got to be a faery. It was lots of fun and I actually am quite pleased wit my makeup in the photos. and the costuming looks rather realistic, too. Very pleased. I'm wanting to find a way to get copies of the CD for some family members and friends of mine. They did a phoenomenal job with the photography and editing of the photoes. I'm very pleased.

Anyhoo, enough babbling for one morning. I'll set you free to go back to your life now.

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is khatra@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

Alrigh, so... I noticed that my last posting was... well, last year. So I shall tell you what's new.

I'm back in college (going to UNL), majoring in Fine Arts and loving it. Last semester was a bit rocky. I made the mistake of taking four classes after taking so much time away from school, plus with the family and everything, it was just too much. It probably wouldn't have been a problem if one of those four classes hadn't been Astronomy. Confusing, took so much time and energy. I finally started ditching about half way through the semester in hopes of passing Anth and History of Rock and Roll. I did pass my math class! And they say I passed Rock and Roll History, but I'm not happy with the grade, so I may re-take it at some point. The professor for that class was awesome.

This semseter, I'm taking Visual Literacy, some other art class (online), and the next level of math. My math teacher's pretty cool and I like my Visual Literacy teacher. Though Visual Literacy is only eight weeks of the course. I think it switches to Speculative Drawing half way through.

Oh! And back at the beginning of the year, I got a pleasant surprise when I was working late one night on Astronomy bollocks. Danny and Tyler had taken Mudd to Petsmart for his dog training class and returned home not only with Mudd, but with two baby girl rats. They are the sweetest things. They wanted nothing more than to sit on my shoulders right when they got to our home. Which is something I'd never had happen with a rat from the pet store before. This pet store is cool, though. It only has a few rats at the store at a time, so the employees are able to spend time with them and socialize them. I think this made thier move to their new home much easier. The tan-and-white rat is Tyler's (he named her Creamy) and the grey rat with the white belly is mine, whome Danny suggested naming Bloo, and I figured why not? Both of them are currently residing in my studio.

Oh! Yes, I now have a room all to myself that I call my studio. It has my piano, my computer, my books.... I share it with the kitties and the ratties. I painted the walls different colors and didn't bother washing the brush between paintings, which gave it this trippy multi-colored effect. I like it lots. Though I did manage to spill blue paint on the carpet. Not that it matters much. The people who sold us the house left the carpets an absolute mess (stains EVERYWHERE), so we'll undoubtedly be replacing our carpets.

Danny came up with the idea of moving my studio to a bigger area. He thinks the room is too cramped. I'm a little uncertain on what I want to do in this area. I rather like having the room right next to our bedroom. Though he did mention that if we finish the sun room I could move my studio in there. Which, if I moved just the studio and left the critters and the kittie stuff and my piano in the room next door to ours, that might be nice. The sun room has a lot of natural light, something I LOVE. Of course, you probably already figured that out, due to the name. ;)

There's currently a fridge in that room. I'm not sure where it would be going. Not to say that having a fridge in my studio would be an issue, but this one's a bit big. Maybe we could move it to the storage room over by Danny's office. I dunno, we'll figure it out.

Oooo! Then I could put some awesome curtains over the sliding glass doors! That'd be awesome. Anyhoo, I shall now end my rant for today. This is The Nightcrawler, signing out!

Hey! Lots of things have happened recently in my life and I just thought I'd go ahead and post about 'em.

In July, we got a puppy whome we named Mudd. He's a Doberman/Lab mix and he's mostly brown with a white toe and a white spot coming in on his tail (thus the name). He's getting really big, but he's a sweetie. We're going to be taking him on our Thanksgiving trip to California with us! It should be very exciting.

We also recently got a kitten, whome we named Piper. She's white with black spots and she's absolutely darling. She's a bit talkative at times-like when she's being held-and she has this great little personality. The first day we had her, she used Keika and Selphie's litter box and once she discovered their food, she began getting into that as well. Certainly no concern about territory. Mudd thinks she's his squeaky toy, though because she's about the size of his squeak toys. He'll nip at her fur and lick her and smack his paw down on her on occasion. So we try to keep them separated to avoid any injury to Piper.

I went to the eye doctor's the other day (finally) and was prescribed glasses. Who'd a thunk?! I supposedly have two stigmatisms in my left eye and one stigmatism in my right. So, despite my mostly-clear vision, I need glasses to avoid my sight getting any worse. Which is cool, I've always wanted glasses. I went because my focus isn't always... focused (if that makes any sense). I always thought it was just from being tired or had to do with a mix-up in my brain, but I guess it's my eyes. I hear that glasses will be a great help. I sure hope so. I found a really cute pair. I'm gonna go in and check out the other colors I hear they have to see if there's one I like better than the color on the show floor (which I like, but I'd like to see all my options) and order them tomorrow. Yay! I hope they get in before we go to California. I wanna show 'em off soooo bad.

Oh! Another new event. I learned to knit. It's a lot of fun. I'm working on a scarf right now. My friend, Jasmine, leant me some knitting needles and a couple of spare balls of yarn for me to play with, as well as her knitting book. It was lots of fun learning. We just knitted and drank tea. Very relaxing.

I've also joined up with the group of greeters at our church. It's pretty fun. I get to make coffee next week. That'll be neat. I haven't done that at the church before. I've also joined up with the women's ministry, which is pretty cool. We're planning an event for December right now and it's coming along quite nicely.

Anyhow, not a whole lot else going on. Hope you all have a great week!!!

Current Mood: calm

So, yesterday I went to the admissions office at UNL to drop off my transcripts from Sac State and was surprised to learn that Sac State was the last set of transcripts they needed. Which is awesome! Now they can run my application! I'm very excited, though also nervous. The campus is HUGE! It's been over a year since I was last in school. I know I'll be fine, though. I plan to major in art and minor in English. I also plan to graduate here. I know what I want to learn now so there should be no more jumping around trying to figure that out and I'm not going to sluff off on doing my homework and such this time around. If all goes as planned, I should be starting in January. So I'll be spending some time figuring out how to transfer my student loans to this school so that when I an officially a student I can get that taken care of immediately to avoid last minute stress. Oh, this is so cool! Wish me luck!!!

Current Location: Lincoln, NE
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: (I wish)

Hey, I've decided to pop in today to share happiness! Aside from life going well in our new house in Nebraska with our two kitties and one puppy by the name of Mudd, many happy things are happening.

I got a phone call today from my friend, Susie, back in California asking what Nebraska is like because she and her hubby are thinking about moving out here! That would be totally exciting. I mean, I have friends out here, but Susie's a pretty close friend of mine, so that would be extra awesome. So, hopefully Nebraska winds up being the state of their choice.

Also lovely, but not quite as lovely as the phone call, I was researching the Paris Opera House last night to help with my fanfic that I'm writing (a Star Trek: Voyager/Phantom of the Opera crossover) and learned that they are coming out with a sequal to the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, Phantom of the Opera and it's supposed to start up in theatres next year. So cool! I'm hoping they don't ruin the characters, a sad thing that happens in most sequals. Even if they do, though, I at least know it will be to absolutely wonderful music.

I'm also planning on completing my application process to UNL this upcoming Saturday by ordering my transcripts to be sent there and paying my application fee. I want to major in art. There were two other colleges we were looking at for this, but their tuition and such is outrageous, so I think UNL is the place I'll be going. Which is fine. UNL is just as exciting. I can't wait.

There are also two female rats at the pet store out here that are up for adoption because their owners (who've had them for about a year) have had difficulty finding the time to give them the appropriate amount of attention. So they're not the most socialized rats and they probably feel very lonely in a way. They need a good loving home and I'm seriously planning on taking them in. We have the equipment to care for them, all we need is litter and food and we'll be all set. And maybe some treats. And possibly some thick, thick, thick, ultra thick gloves for handling, if they're anti-social to the point of biting. But I don't think they'll be that bad. I swore I wouldn't have any more rats for a very long time after our last bout with the tumors and such, too. But, alas, I have been drawn into owning more ratties. They're just such wonderful creatures. So loving, so sweet. So friendly. They don't even mind being woken up.

Anyhoo, there's loads more happies happening here, but there are so many that it's tough to pull them all off the top of my head at once, so I shall leave it at that.

P.S. Jareth has beautiful eyes and awesome makeup. David Bowie was the perfect choice for that part.

So, I've told you of Pixie getting a tumor and Shanna getting a tumor. So we thought that once they were gone, it would be just me and G.I.R. and we could bond 'cause I'd give her attention all the time. Well, come to find out, G.I.R. has also gotten a tumor. My husband says that it looks like a sign saying that we aren't supposed to have rats right now. I think I believe that as well. It hurt lots at first. I was very upset. So upset, in fact, that I had to ring mommy like I tend to do when I get upset. She let me babble her ear off about it. She suggested that I get pets with longer lifespans. I told her that we aren't planning on having rats again for quite a while. As sad as I know I'll be once they're gone, as I am knowing that they'll be gone by the end of the summer (we're planning on getting them put to sleep so that they don't have to go through the agony of having the tumor kill them), I know that, in the end, it'll be okay. They'll be much happier. They'll get to go to the peanut factory in the sky with Cyrano--we sadly lost him to aresperitory problem last year. I'll miss them, but I know I'll see them again some day and I know that it would be worse to see them suffer. Just a bit of a downer is all.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: David Bowie: Never Let Me Down (record title)

Hey, all. I know it's been a while (as usual) since I last wrote in this. I thought I'd go ahead and update today. My husband and I went to church this morning. I'm sure this doesn't seem like a huge deal (if you know me, that is) as I am Christian and I have gone to church in the past, but this time is particularly special. I have not been to a Sunday service since June 10th last year-- the day of my wedding, on which I went to a morning service at church, then got the joy of attending my wedding that evening. I've been missing it lately and, cooincidentally enough, there happens to be a church right across the street from us. So I figured let's give it a go. I very much enjoyed service today. Met lots of very nice people, got to sing along with lots of very nice music and got to listen to a very nice sermon and take notes on a lovely little fill-in-the-blanks piece of paper.

We also learned that a group of people from the church are meeting at the movie theatre tonight to see the movie "21" and we were invited! I have a ten-hour shift tomorrow and normally would much rather go to bed on time (the show's at 9:30), but I tend to sacrifice sleep if something means enough to me and this most certainly does. So we get to go see a movie with some nice folks from church tonight.

I also learned of a women's bible study group. Woo-hoo!!! I was hoping for a bible study since I'm a bit curious as to what the book really says-- it's a bit tough for me to fully understand. Like Shakespeare. So I get to sit with some nice ladies tomorrow night and study the bible, learn a few things, possibly make some friends, and, once the bible is complete, I'll be able to watch Jesus Christ, Superstar on video and see how close to the bible the script follows.

We also have some stuff going on with the critters. My rat, Pixie, has a tumor and is blind as a darn bat. This would be far more depressing if she actually acted like she's blind and has a tumor. Other than her moving more slowly and the tumor getting in her way on occasion, you'd never know it. I think, once she begins to suffer, we'll be putting her to sleep. I really hate to do it, it almost feels like murder for me, but I don't want her to have a painful death. We would get the tumor removed if she wasn't as old as she is. Close to three years, more than 75 rat years!!! We think it would probably be easier on her. Then she can go up to Heaven and see Cyrano (he died of a resperitory problem last year) and meet the two rats I had when I was a kid.

As for the kitties, our youngest is in heat off and on. I feel bad for the poor bugger. We plan to get her fixed as soon as possible. Our funds are a tad strapped at the moment what with our bills and the joys of paying a lawyer (fighting for custody of my step-son at the moment). But once we have enough extra, we're taking her to the vet.

My husband is doing particularly well. He's been spending his weekends here at home playing board games with his buddies lately. It's nice to see him hanging out with friends. Sometimes I play, too, but my attention span (or lack thereof) normally gets me to opt out. And of course he and I do stuff together often enough. We like to watch the tele together and we also do our grocery shopping and stuff together. And sometimes we do other things like seeing movies and such.

Anyhow, that, I believe, is about it for now. Life is going quite well for me! How I lucked into that, I'll never know, but I hope it keeps up!

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: David Bowie: Young Americans (record)

If ya don't, I wouldn't be surprised. I have, as usual, sluffed off on my updating. Which really sucks bum because lots has happened since I last posted. My husband and I got married on June 10 and this whole marriage thing has been going pretty darn well. I finally got my last name changed (I was bored with my maiden name anyways), so that's interesting. We got a new kitten shortly before our wedding, whome we named Selphie. She and our other cat, Keika, get on well enough. They like to chase each other all over our apartment. Oh! Speaking of apartments, this one we just got in the beginning of July, after moving out to Nebraska!!! It's the greatest of apartments (in comparison to the other ones we've lived in). It has two bedrooms, a second floor, and a loft! The loft is my domain. Danny (my husband) gave it to me for my studio. And it has a skylight, plus looks out of the sliding glass door in the living room and the small window at the bottom of the staircase. I love sunlight. Things, I must say, are going beautifully for this whole new life we've begun. I've also recently gotten back in touch with a good friend of mine. Which makes me ecstatic. I've also lost what I once thought to be a good friend of mine. I was a bit hurt by it and I'm a bit peeved, but, alas, if he can't be friends anymore, he can't be friends anymore and probably wasn't worth the attachment in the first place. I've also made a couple of friends through the jobs I've had out here in Nebraska. We don't hang out much, but I do talk to one of them at work and the other one I see when I go into the gas station that I was at before when she's on shift. I'm now a security guard. That boosted my ego quite a bit. I think that's just what my injured brain who was getting annoyed at its pity-party needed! Cyrano, our male rat, passed earlier this year. It was very sad. This was shortly after we got him and Pixie's daughter, G.I.R. operated on to have a tumor removed. Rather ironic, I think. Well, save for the fact that he died of a resperitory problem. But we figure he's in Heaven raiding the peanut factory, so it's all good. Anyhow, that's life in a nutshell. I'm sure there's lots I haven't written in here and I'll try my hardest to be sure to update when I remember it. Lol. This is the Nightcrawler, signing out!

Current Mood: pleased

This isn't going to be the happiest of journal entries, so, if you're not in the mood for a bit of whining, you may not want to read it.

Ever since my accident, it's felt like my old friends have been distancing themselves from me. Except for maybe a few, that is. But I've noticed that a lot of them never really seem to be the ones trying to get hold of me. I'm usually the one messaging them when they're online, never the other way around (except for that few, of course). Then I take some time not messaging them at all because I feel like I'm just pestering them, or sometimes I take that time to see if they'll message me first for a change. But it never really happens. I don't really get contacted by them in any other way, either, so, it's not just the messenger, but I can't expect them to contact me any other way because I don't really contact them any other way.

I'm probably just reading a bit too much into it, but, ever since the accident I've had a paranoia rolling around inside me. Sometimes I wonder if what I became has destroyed my relationships with others. Because I know I was quite the child when I got out of the hospital and I look back on it now with embarrassment. Plus there's the fact that I still sometimes slip back into that childish phase and that embarrasses me, too. So, now I worry that, since I'm not quite the same as I was before, maybe I've become a person that they don't usually want to have as a friend. And they're all perfectly nice when I talk to them (though on occasion they seem a bit standofish), but I wonder if they're merely playing nice because it's polite. Or are they playing nice out of pity? I'd really hate to be pitied, too. Because I kind of like the person that I've become.

And, of course, in all of my wanting to know who my real friends are, I haven't got the guts to actually bring it up to any of them. But, another paranoia... that they'd tell a white lie just because they wouldn't want to see me upset (back to the pity... like I'm a child or something), or for whatever other reason they may have. My level of trust has thinned out a lot. I don't trust just anyone anymore because I've learned what a load of jerks people can really be.

I dunno. I guess my brain's just a bit mixed up and frelled up because part of me is still a dreamer, but the other part is coming in to protect me from getting screwed under by believing something that's false. That tells me to hold back a bit and not to step into something too fast. I suppose I'm just lost. And frigteningly over-sensitive these days. So many things feel like an attack. I tend to go into defense mode a lot. And my fiancee's trying to teach me that I don't need to with him because he's never attacking. I trust him fully, I believe him, but when that defense comes on, I sometimes forget that I have nothing to defend myself against. I'll learn eventually.

Anyhow, I just wish that I knew a way to figure things out, to know for certain. The other reason I'd hate to bring it up to them is because what if they are real friends? I don't want to offend them at all. Well, I suppose that's about it. If you wanna roll your eyes at this, you can. Can't say I didn't warn ya, but you can do the eye rolling. ;)

Yesterday (the date posted above) was the most amazing day in my life. My boyfriend was feeling bad that morning because it wasn't coming out as romantic as he had planned, but I informed him that just being with him (and catching Jekll and Hyde on stage) was enough for me. We went to catch the play and it was wonderful. I'd already seen it on DVD, so it was nice to note the differences they had on stage (changed a few songs, etc.). No joking, I tensed up so bad when Mr. Hyde was killing... especially when it was Lucy (one of my faves, whome I knew would die) and when he and Dr. Jekyll hashed it out during poor Dr. Jekyll's wedding. I loved it. On our way home, Danny asked if I'd like to go out to dinner and I debated because I was a bit tired and I've been feeling kinda icky the last few days (going to the doctor today 'cause my throat was noticably swelling yesterday), but I finally said 'yes' because we WERE hitting the "Streets of London" pub in Folsom. So we stopped by home, changed our shirts, freshened up a bit, then off to the pub we went. Danny new I wanted hot tea and when he went and put in our order and brought the drinks back, it had a thing of honey on the side. I didn't plan on using it, but he said just a little, I wouldn't notice, and that it would help my throat a lot. So I did and I didn't notice and I felt my throat-swelling go down some. Anyhow, he disappears for a few, comes back and tells me to go check out the bathrooms. So I went over there and the first thing I see, posted where it would usually say "restrooms", is the word "Loo" (so British!!!), which got me all excited and I took a peek inside, like he'd suggested and it was very nice. Anyhow, I'm on my way back and I see him sitting there with this grin on his face and of course I assume it's because of the excitement radiating off of me (he tends to look at me like that during musicals and such) and I'm like "so priceless! It said 'Loo'!" From what I understand (my memory got a bit frazzled), I had begun saying something else as I sat down, then something caught my eye and my words got caught in my throat. There, at my spot, was a little heart-shaped box with a simple diamond ring twinkling from it, which I stared at open-mouthed and in awe. Then I looked at him, then my attention got caught on the ring as I'm trying to process it all. Then he says to me "I guess I've actually got to ask now, huh?" and I looke back at him and that grin is still there... "Will you marry me?" My heart felt like it was about to explode (you know when you see something so happy that you just have to cry?), unfortunately, I think my tear-ducts were run empty from the play we'd caught earlier, so they decided not to let me cry. I whispered yes and fell into his arms. He told me how cute it was when I was talking, saw the ring, stopped, looked at him, then stared at it. Come to find out, he finds it cute when I cry during musicals, too, which is the only reason he laughs. It's not at me, it's just all done because I'm cute. Anyways, I'm engaged! I am a fiancee!!! And, better yet, I HAVE a fiancee!!! So, as I say it to other people, I plan to start off with "I lost my boyfriend"... to make it sound not happy, then go ecstatically into the whole story. God, I'm so happy!!!

Current Mood: ecstatic

I'm learning how naive I really am when it comes to chatting online. Just on the messengers, too. I never touch those online chat groups as it's not really my taste. It was really no more than frustrating lately chatting on my yahoo messenger whith all of these guys pulling their sorry little pick-up lines and me turning them down flat. Everyone keeps telling me "don't talk to people online like that, they're perverts or they could be hackers that can get into your computer. Don't do it." I think I should have listened.

The latest incident wasn't so innocent as that of a horny guy just wanting to jack off. A man messeges me, says he saw my picture on my profile and I had a great smile. Am I interested in being a model. I asked for information on what exactly all of this entails. He gave me a list of things to model for: magazines, catalogues, commercials... then there was adult stuff. I told him I was interested in modeling for magazines and things of the sort and he asked, just out of curiosity, he says, why I wouldn't want to do adult. I said it's because I won't be getting naked in front of a camera. So he asks me if I would be willing to model a bathing suit or lingerie. I figure, since they both cover the same amount of flesh, sure, why not.

Here's where I could smack myself for being such an idiot: he told me he knew I wouldn't be interested in being naked, but would I be willing to do things clothed, like lap-dances and such. I told him flat out no.

He wants to just see my figure, just to make sure, so I'm cool with going down to my sports bra and panties (as it is no different than a swimsuit and they may need to see what I would look like in a swimsuit). The stupid part is he wants me to show myself naked. I asked him why. Is there a reason I should be naked when I'll be wearing clothes anyway. He comes off with this technical bullshit and, figuring just a couple of seconds won't hurt, I stupidly give it to him. Then I get dressed in my work clothes and ask if he was happy. He's like "you're not doing this for me, hon." So I ask, "well, did I at least do well? I need some feedback." He tells me I wasn't sex-appealing just standing there. I said whatever and went off to work after agreeing to speak it over with him that night.

I get home from work and wait for him to get online, then we start talking. I need to know what sex-appeal would be and I wonder if pictures would work, as it is for modeling and photo shoots, not movies and he says no because his first audition has to be on the camera. I told him I have a really bad camera and that I can't do any better than that as it won't follow me.

He asks me if my boyfriend's there. I tell him yes. "Have sex with him on camera." Hell no. He's not going to be comfortable with showing his body. "Just don't tell him he's on camera." I don't lie like that, forget it. "He could remain clothed and just pull his penis out." So I ask if there is any other way because I don't like that idea. He says if I masturbate on camera. I told him to forget it. There is no reason to be having sex on a camera and masturbating on a camera for this kind of thing. He acts so high and mighty through the whole thing, saying I'm accusing him injustly and that he's been nothing but respectful to me despite the fact that I've questioned everything he's brought up and that I should trust him. Trust him?! I just met the guy!!! I told him to go manipulate someone more worth his while and he tells me not to flatter myself, that he's not jacking off to me because he's supposedly got plenty of women to take care of it for him. Finally, after this argument goes on for a while (we'd had a few others, if you want to see the text, just let me know because I've got it saved) I inform him that he could be filed under sexual harrassment for all of this. Suddenly, his screen disappears and he's offline. I'm trying to get this out because I don't want anyone else being dragged into this prick's manipulation.

His screennames are:
yahoo: jr_enterprises_2005
his MSN address is: jr_enterprises_2005@yahoo.com-- I can't recall the screenname, but I think it's learntomodel...
which also happens to be AIM: learntomodel.

I'm not to say that I wasn't stupid enough not to realize I was falling into a scam at first and I do realize that I was stupid enough to do some of what he said, but, once it was all over, I felt very used, very violated... even a bit dirty (which is strange since he never touched me) and I was pissed. So, just thought I'd get out the warning.

Current Mood: cynical

Hey! I know it's been a while. I should really update all of my lovely friends so as not to allow them to worry... I think the withdrawls are going along just fine. I tend to get more stressed lately than depressed (of course, it's my own darn fault for putting too much on my plate at once... ah, well, one must learn). Anyways, just a bit of an update and stuff of the sort. Oh! I'm currently going to ARC (as I'm quite certain you already know) and when I got into that depression phase, I found myself a councelor (one who specializes in the Traumatic Brain Injury... ooooo...ahhh). She's a very nice lady. And, through her, I foud out that there is a meeting every week when all of the brain injured people on campus get together as a group. Sometimes it's just four, sometimes it's up to ten or fifteen... I went last week (we were just four-- and I was highly welcomed as one of them said "we need more girls in this group") and I really enjoyed it. I don't feel so alone anymore, everyone that was there was a doll and it was really quite lovely. I found out about a lot of things I can do to get financial aid for living, for school, etc... I figure, if I can make enough to live off of in financial aid, SSI, etc., I'll work less and put more time into school. As it is, it's rather hard to do both at the same time. Yeah, I know, most college students work and go to school full time, I used to be able to pull it off, too, but it's rather exhausting this semester. I'm sure partially because a person with a T.B.I. is said to require more sleep for healing time and I know for certain that it's partially because I lack that little thing they call a sense of logic and dared to take classes five days a week. I missed a lot in the beginning, but now I'm going every day with no complaint and doing fine. I even dropped one of my classes to give me time on M,W,F to relax before going to work, because that was the hardest part. Coming home, immediately changing clothes, and heading off to work. Now I don't have to. I get to take my nappy-nap (*sucks thumb and holds ear*). Oh, and we got more fish the other day. No worries, this time they're gold fish, we even had the water tested to be certain they'd survive and they seem to be doing quite well. Tropical fish was a big mistake. Anyways, life's busy, busy, busy!!! I miss you all terribly much! One of these days, though... one of these days, you and I will have free time at the same time and may be able to see each other. And then you can all meet my absolutely darling schnookie-boo. He has a low self-esteem, though. Every time I call him sexy, he tells me I'm on crack. Kind of sad sometimes, ya know. Anyhow, guess we'll talk later!!! Have a loverly night.

Current Mood: cheerful

Things have been going well... until just recently. God, I hate this drama. Oh, well, here goes. I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday morning when Danny picked me up from school, but I was so snappy with him. I started an argument, then, as I tried to fix it, I started a whole new one. Then this morning, I was sitting in the caffeteria at school and I was just eating my food and drinking my tea when suddenly my thoughts began to work as if they were trying to hurt me really badly. It took every ounce of control not to cry (which, if you know me, you know I don't usually cry in public). I forced myself to go to theatre anyways, since they give us homework, plus I'd ditched on Monday (bad little me) and didn't want her seeing me gone two sessions in a row (since she seems to be the one who notices who's gone when). After that, I planned on going to the bus stop, but hit the Student Services department first to make an appointment with a counceler(or?) like my boyfriend, Danny, has been trying to get me to do for a couple of weeks now. I thought I'd have to go to the bedroom when I got home and get angry at my sudden inability to cry, but when I walked in the door, Danny looked at me, complete worry written all over his face and he said, "honey?" That did it. I broke. He held out his arms and held me in his lap while I cried, asking what was wrong, to which I could only respond with "I don't know." I told him everything that had happened. He told me so many times while I cried how much he loves me. When it was all over, he gave me chocolate and told me to go lay down for a little while. I tried, but then remembered something that I'd wanted to tell him and wound up getting up again.

This whole thing scares me. Things happen in my imagination and I don't like them much. I've thought about self-mutilation, which, once when I mentioned it to my Mum, it scared the bejeezus out of her. And I'm afraid of where that could lead. Sure, right now God, the people who love me, and my logical, "well, that's just silly" side are keeping me from even considering commiting suicide, but what if something happens in my mind?

Perhaps it will go away. I had some of these spells while I was on the Paxil. It's not a safe drug anyways. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure that, with a little help, I can handle this on my own just fine. I read an article that said that Paxil makes minors have suicidal tendancies (which is why they can't take it) and that pregnant women can't take it because it has a slight habit of putting holes in the hearts of babies while they're in the womb. I despise it and I don't want it. I just... I guess I'm just scared. Just don't make me go back on that stuff again. I feel like I'm turning into my Aunt Barbie and like some day I'll be taking fifty pills a day just to survive in absolute comfort. I won't be that.

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: None

My angels have returned home! And they're breathing properly again! I'm so happy. I missed them for the three weeks they were gone. I swear, it's like they're my own children. And they grow so fast! They're a good two or three times the size they were when we took them in now! They're still adorable little angels, though. I love my babies!!!

Current Mood: ecstatic

My granmother passed away this morning at around sixish (I think). Half of me is thrilled and the other half hurts more than I've ever hurt before. She doesn't feel the pain anymore, she's in Heaven, with God... but I miss her so much. I love her.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: None

I got an update on my rats. They'll be fine, so they're not the problem right now. My grandmother was just put in the hospital with Neumonia (sp?). She's already going through Chronic Luchemia, so her ability to fight anything else has been greatly weekend. The doctors don't think she's going to make it. I don't want her to die, as selfish as that may sound. I love her very much! And my grandfather loves her a million times more. Her illness has been worrying him like mad lately and if she dies I don't know if he'll make it. Then there's the rest of the family, who I'm sure will also be very hurt if she passes. She's too young! Her father's in his 90s for God's sake! She should make it at LEAST that long!!! It's just not fair. She's such a good person and she has so much faith, yet she's stuck with this. Yet the people who deserve it never have this sort of thing happen to them. It's just not right! Anyhow, I just hope she makes it. And I'm praying like mad. I love her so much.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: My Fair Lady (given to my by my grandmother)

Pixie has a resperitory problem. It's transmittable, so Cyrano, who shares a home with her, could catch it. My boyfriend and I took them both to the vet yesterday to have them treated, but we won't be able to see them again for another couple of weeks. I miss them so much and I'm hoping that this doesn't hurt or kill them! Resperitory problems are known to be dealy to rats and I learned yesterday that the reason they're so common amongst rats is because rats are overbread (mainly to feed those snakes). Stupid snakes. Anyway, I feel like I just put a family member in the hospital with a serious condition. Isn't it strange how these things work?

Current Mood: worried
Current Music: None (still unfortunate)

I've just gotten two baby rats! One is a male whome I've named Cyrano de Bergerat (get it?) and one is a girl whome I've named Pixie. They are soooo sweet!!! My boyfriend took me to a petstore as a surprise to let me pick them out and he bought them for me. They make me so happy!!! First off, it's one of the sweetest things Danny's done for me (and he spoils me), second I'm totally attached. My little girl may have a resperitory problem so we're going to have her checked by a vet to see if they can help her. I hope she's okay. I don't want to lose her. My little boy is a blue-hooded, which means that he has a grey head with grey spots trailing down his back and the rest of his fur is white. My little girl is Hymalayan (sp?), which means that she's kinda like the cat: white with brown fur mixed in (mainly on the back). And she's got red eyes, which I hear makes her albino. Danny had expected that I would get two white rats like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, since it's one of my favorite series' and the author is also one of my favorites, but I hadn't even thought of it! That's okay, though. The babies get their own little names.

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: None (unfortunately)